To me it is not a question of if there is a Higher Power (God)? It’s if there is a Higher Power (God) then -why me?
I didn’t grow up religious. As a baby I was baptized as a Catholic but that was the extent of it. We never went to church and it wasn’t spoke about at home.
It wasn’t until I met my now husband and his family that I went to church every Sunday. The church was beautiful, the congregation was welcoming, and the pastor was amazing. In fact, I received my First Communion and Confirmation there, so I was able to get married in the church. It was sad when we moved out of state and was no longer able to attend.
Which brings me to why I’m taking a risk writing this article – knowing that there may be some backlash.
Most of you know from prior articles that I had a rough child/young adult life. There were many obstacles I went through to get to where I am today. I wouldn’t say I had a solid relationship with my Higher Power (God) but I was respectful to him/her and talked to him/her when needed. I had hope. Hope that he/she would guide me through to the other side – when I made it. I made it to my thirties just fine. It was a lot of hard work on my part, I never just sat there waiting for something to happen on it’s own.
Then the HD diagnosis came. That is when I started to think, hmmm, is there a Higher Power (God), is there someone up there watching over me and guiding me through this life’s journey?
I was angry, I was angry that he/she would “guide” me to this—after everything he/she saw me fight through. Why? Why me?
I hate the saying, “God never gives us more than we can handle”. Really?! Really!? I feel like I maxed out when I was in my twenties.
I questioned why I couldn’t catch a break. Not that I wanted someone else to have it, especially my brother (who hasn’t been tested). I just wanted a break. A time in my life that I wasn’t battling to stay alive. A break so I could build my life, marriage, and family.
It was all taken away. It all changed with the diagnosis of HD and what that meant moving forward. I never felt more alone.
I am trying to repair my relationship with the Higher Power (God), but to be honest it’s a strained relationship at best. I don’t ask for miracles; I don’t expect things to get done without putting hard work into it…. but being diagnosed with a terminal drain degenerating disease?!?! I can’t fight back – all the hard work I put in still has the end result. Death.
Do I not deserve a long, healthy happy life? Did I do something wrong in my past that led me here?
I’m not saying that I won’t try to live each day with a purpose, be happy, and healthy. What I am saying is how can I put faith into a Higher Power (God) when I feel like he/she let me down – or doesn’t care about me.
This is a very personal and private subject for most people, I respect that and ask for the same respect in return. Everyone’s journey is different. It was very hard to write this in the first place, please don’t attack me in the comments.