I was driving home today and was feeling good. I was jamming out to my 90's R&B and singing like no one was listening.
Then of course, without notice I had a visit from the monster *better known to some as HD. I didn't want him there, not at a time that I was enjoying, it had been so long since I let go and got out of the house for me.
To tell this story I need to give you some details that happened this week. I am ready to make a lifestyle change! I joined a gym, priced the public pool we have and even went shopping (of course) for a new bathing suite, gym bag, clothes...everything. Nothing was going to dampen this high I was on. I haven't had it in years. I was holding on to it tight!
Now that you are caught up, let's get back to the monster interrupting my jam session. I wasn't able to get rid of him, I wasn't in a state of peace and wasn't going to do my breathing exercise the middle of wanting to sing with Salt-n-Pepa.
So, I decide to listen, which I typically do not recommend, but I wanted to hear what he *the monster had to say, as always we start off with him telling me I am not good enough. He wanted to take away this moment of happiness. He wanted me to turn on the sad songs that I've avoid so I HAVE to deal with HD I have to get depressed and have him control what may come into my mind. I let him talk more, "so you'r fat a** is going to join a gym - he laughs - so you are going to walk in there all confident and what?? be on the machine for 5 minutes and leave....and you bought a BATHING SUIT - I saw the bathing suit you picked - you're going to wear that in public .... oh I can't wait for people to see you - I can hear them mooing now...."
I let him say his peace and said to him "yes, I joined a gym. yes, I will walk in confidently. yes, if I can make it to five minutes I will be proud of that and walk out knowing I tried and will come back the next day. and yes, I bought a BATHING SUITE and I am going to rock it when I put it on. I can't control if people talk about me but I can control how I choose to react to them.
I've gotten to a suicide weight point. Which simply stated was my weight point that I said if I ever hit I would end my life. Well I am there and over that number. I don't like living in this skin. I don't like having limited mobility. I chose to eat the food for comfort. However, along the way I found out that I have body dysphoria, over eating issues and a genetic history of overweight people. Nothing is on my side. Add in HD and the emotional toll that comes with that I don't know how I am still able to walk - let alone be "healthy" like I am.
So it's time. It's time for me to put myself out there. Go through the literal blood sweat and tears that we all go through when trying to accomplish a goal.
I know the HD community will support me and I love you all for that. I never thought I'd say this - but to hold myself accountable in the coming days I will post a before pictures ----eeeekkkkkk----with my weight and every week I will do a before and after to hold myself accountable and to show the community that anything is possible. Especially if I can do it.
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